2. Queen of the Amazons

I failed to see this movie as an actual Sci-fi but rather some sort of shitty hybrid between a safari movie and a noir. It starts of with some chick (I’ll call chick 1) coming to Akbar, Africa to find her missing fiancé Greg. She’s with Greg’s father and some other old dude. It has a very mysterious noir feel to it and some silhouetted guy giving orders to everyone behind the scenes. Then there is a great scene of some tiger attacking a group of explorers. Then there is a stock footage scene of some random riot in the streets. That all happened in the first ten minutes. Then chick 1 and her group leaves Akbar to some other African place and it kind of starts to go down hill. There is a ton of stock footage in this movie, probably about half of the movie consists of stock footage and all of it is completly unnecessary. When they get to the second city there’s like a ten minute stock footage scene of African natives doing tribal dances and it’s completely pointless. So anyway, chick 1 and her group hire a guide to lead them into the safari to find Greg. The guide is sexist and says no but then chick 1 shows the guide that she has good aim with a pistol so then the guide likes her. Then there is a rather long and pointless scene of chick 1 and the guide going to recruit a cook to come with them on the safari which is one of the most retarded ideas I’ve ever heard because as far as I know there isn’t a particularly large need of a cook on a safari but they say that he is the best so what the hell? Then there is another long stock footage scene of more bushmen dancing. Then chick 1 and her group finally start their quest to find Greg and for some reason they take about one hundred black slaves with them so this way we get about ten minutes worth of stock footage of black slaves marching around Africa. At some point during the quest we hear of a rumor of some Amazons living in the safari that are really mean or something and they are ruled by a ruthless white queen. Then the guide gets violently attacked by a huge lion and escapes with a mere scratch. Afterwards chick 1 mends his tiny-ass scratch and they get into this awkward conversation about whether she could love him if she wasn’t already engaged which is especially a weird conversation since they’ve only known each other for about a day. Then some white dude in their group gets murdered and the guide is able to tell from the footprint of the murderer that the killer was white and not black because apparently we make different footprints. Then it goes straight to Greg who is living with the Queen of the Amazons and is apparently in love with her even though just earlier chick 1 informed us that she and Greg had known each other since they were kids and had always been in love with each other. So chick 1 and her crew get to the camp of the Amazons but Greg isn’t there because he is out running errands for the Queen. The Queen talks to chick 1 in private and asks if it’s ok that she and Greg are in love with each other. Chick 1 is cool with it. Then the guide reveals to the Queen that he has some sort of ulterior motive for going on the trip which involves ivory trafficking or something. Then the cook appears and reveals that he is the murderer and the one behind the ivory trafficking. Then a little fight breaks out between chick 1’s slaves and the cook’s slaves and Greg comes back and joins his father in the fight. There is a happy ending with the first ever double-marriage in the safari! Chick 1 marries the guide who she just met and her life-long lover Greg marries the Queen who he also just met. Everybody wins!

Score: 3