wc3

yea we was all the dirtpiles and then they beat us in the warcraft game

5. The Amazing Transparent Man (1960)

A guy is broken out of prison by some other dude that he doesn’t even know. It turns out that the dude who was broken out of prison is an expert lock-pick and then the dude who broke him out is some sort of ex-military dude who likes taking advantage of weak-minded individuals and who happens to be holding a scientist prisoner who built him some sort of radioactive invisible ray. So the military dude wants to turn the other dude invisible so that he can robe some vault containing nuclear material. The ex-military dude has this elaborate laboratory set up in his attic where his scientist-hostage performs the experiments for him. So the one dude is turned invisible and naturally he starts to beat up the ex-military dude and then he demands that he gets paid twenty-five thousand dollars for his services as opposed to the original one thousand. The ex-military dude also has a female prisoner-servant lady who falls in love with the invisible man just because he talked to her. Then there is this other guard guy who we find out (in just about the last scene) was being tricked by the ex-military guy because he told him that his son was alive when he was actually dead. I think it was supposed to be a plot twist but considering that there was absolutely no mentioning of the guard-dude’s son or his personal life all together up until that point it really wasn’t that great of a twist. . . So anyway, something goes wrong and the amazing transparent man becomes visible as he is robbing a bank. In the end he gets in a fight with the ex-military dude. The one lady gets shot in the back. Then the two dudes get killed as the house blows up in a nuclear explosion. In the last scene, the scientist is talking to a police officer about the morality of being able to turn invisible and then he looks at the camera and asks the viewer “What would you do?” as if the debate concerning the morality of turning invisible was a real ethical concern! This bold movie dared to tread the ethical ground of which no other movie has gone before! Is the exclusiveness of this material because it is so controversial or perhaps because it’s a retarded fucking question that no one gives a damn about?

Score: 3

4. She Gods of Shark Reef (1958)

This movie is terrible. The production quality was so bad that for a while I couldn’t tell whether it was black and white or colored. This movie is actually hard to watch because the production quality is so low; the resolution of the picture is so low that everything looks all blurry and pixilated. Also the color of the film (yes it is colored after all) is so blown out that pretty much everything looks white or black. The plot is terrible. Some ex-US navy guys steal something or do something illegal like that and then I guess they are in a boat and crash on an island full of young girls. Once again, this film is not at all a Sci-fi. I don’t know what happens next because I quit watching this movie about half way through because it was so un-enjoyable. I really hoped I would be able to sit through all these things but this one was just so bad. Maybe I’ll finish it later, probably not, but maybe.

Score: 1

3. Robot Monster

Now this is a Sci-fi! I think my only complaint is that the whole movie is a little boy’s dream. This is made painfully obvious right from the start so I really don’t see what the point of it was. It’s a damn Sci-fi; what’s the point in presenting it as a dream? Can’t it just be a world where robot monsters really do exist? Whatever. So this kid’s (Johnny) dream starts with this pointless fight between lizards. It’s one of the laziest lizard fight’s I’ve ever seen. The two lizards bight each other’s jaws and then repeatedly roll over for a while. Now for the good stuff; the “robot monster” (Ro-Man) is some guy wearing a huge gorilla costume and a space helmet. He’s truly amazing. So the little boy Johnny and his family are pretty much the only people alive on Earth because apparently Ro-Man killed everyone else. There is little Johnny, his Mom, his Dad, his little sister, his older sister, and this other dude. The older sister doesn’t like the other dude because he is condescending to her but towards the end of the film they are hiding from Ro-Man in the bushes and then they start to make-out and then they get married. They have the dad perform the marriage rights in what turns out to be one of the most retarded and pointless marriages since the one dude dies a couple minutes later; but at least he got married shirtless, which is badass! The dialogue and acting in this movie are superb. At one point Johnny confronts Ro-Man and says, “I think you’re just a bully picking on people smaller than you,” to which Ro-Man replies, “Now I will kill you.” I know, it’s great. There are a ton of shots of Ro-Man out wandering around while some suspenseful music is playing; well, Ro-Man doesn’t actually walk as much as he just stumbles around with his arms starched out in front of him (not very far though, because his monkey suit is so huge that it doesn’t permit of much flexibility). Ro-Man is definitely one of the most un-intimidating and lazy monsters ever conceived. At one point he is abducting the older sister and she says, “How is it your so strong Ro-Man, it seems impossible,” and of course Ro-Man responds by telling the girl what his weakness is. However, this isn’t actually relevant to the plot since this revealed weakness has absolutely nothing to do with the defeat of Ro-Man. In the end Ro-Man starts to “turn Human”, kind of, since he has a crush on the older sister. This makes Ro-Man’s boss (who is apparently monitoring Ro-Man from a spaceship) mad and he proceeds to unleashes some sort of death-ray on the earth which kills Ro-Man. Then for some reason we see another scene of that that retarded fighting scene between the two lizards rolling on the ground. Then we find out that it’s all a dream and Johnny says to the others, “You’re alive!? Her too? Boy was that a dream or what!?” It sure was Johnny, it sure was.

Score: 5

2. Queen of the Amazons

I failed to see this movie as an actual Sci-fi but rather some sort of shitty hybrid between a safari movie and a noir. It starts of with some chick (I’ll call chick 1) coming to Akbar, Africa to find her missing fiancé Greg. She’s with Greg’s father and some other old dude. It has a very mysterious noir feel to it and some silhouetted guy giving orders to everyone behind the scenes. Then there is a great scene of some tiger attacking a group of explorers. Then there is a stock footage scene of some random riot in the streets. That all happened in the first ten minutes. Then chick 1 and her group leaves Akbar to some other African place and it kind of starts to go down hill. There is a ton of stock footage in this movie, probably about half of the movie consists of stock footage and all of it is completly unnecessary. When they get to the second city there’s like a ten minute stock footage scene of African natives doing tribal dances and it’s completely pointless. So anyway, chick 1 and her group hire a guide to lead them into the safari to find Greg. The guide is sexist and says no but then chick 1 shows the guide that she has good aim with a pistol so then the guide likes her. Then there is a rather long and pointless scene of chick 1 and the guide going to recruit a cook to come with them on the safari which is one of the most retarded ideas I’ve ever heard because as far as I know there isn’t a particularly large need of a cook on a safari but they say that he is the best so what the hell? Then there is another long stock footage scene of more bushmen dancing. Then chick 1 and her group finally start their quest to find Greg and for some reason they take about one hundred black slaves with them so this way we get about ten minutes worth of stock footage of black slaves marching around Africa. At some point during the quest we hear of a rumor of some Amazons living in the safari that are really mean or something and they are ruled by a ruthless white queen. Then the guide gets violently attacked by a huge lion and escapes with a mere scratch. Afterwards chick 1 mends his tiny-ass scratch and they get into this awkward conversation about whether she could love him if she wasn’t already engaged which is especially a weird conversation since they’ve only known each other for about a day. Then some white dude in their group gets murdered and the guide is able to tell from the footprint of the murderer that the killer was white and not black because apparently we make different footprints. Then it goes straight to Greg who is living with the Queen of the Amazons and is apparently in love with her even though just earlier chick 1 informed us that she and Greg had known each other since they were kids and had always been in love with each other. So chick 1 and her crew get to the camp of the Amazons but Greg isn’t there because he is out running errands for the Queen. The Queen talks to chick 1 in private and asks if it’s ok that she and Greg are in love with each other. Chick 1 is cool with it. Then the guide reveals to the Queen that he has some sort of ulterior motive for going on the trip which involves ivory trafficking or something. Then the cook appears and reveals that he is the murderer and the one behind the ivory trafficking. Then a little fight breaks out between chick 1’s slaves and the cook’s slaves and Greg comes back and joins his father in the fight. There is a happy ending with the first ever double-marriage in the safari! Chick 1 marries the guide who she just met and her life-long lover Greg marries the Queen who he also just met. Everybody wins!

Score: 3

1. The Incredible Petrified World

Well, first of all this movie hardly appeals as a Sci-fi, and there sure as hell ain’t anything incredible about it. Here’s the basic plot: some scientist dude wants to break a record by lowering some people into the ocean in a pod deeper than anyone has ever been lowered before! It’s measured by a “Depth by Foot” meter. But the chain breaks and the four people get trapped underwater in the pod which for some reason remains suspended in the same location deep in the sea after the cable breaks. The four people are Craig, Dale (a girl), Laurie, and some other dude whose name I forgot. So one of the guys sees some light out of the pod window and the four put on wet suits and swim out. The four find this underwater cavern that is full of air so they decide to chill there. They start to wander around hoping that the cavern leads them back to the surface. While wandering they find an old dirty man who’s been in there for fourteen years and he tells the four that there is no escape. The four decide that there’s no choice but to live in the cave with the old man. Meanwhile, for some reason there are an abundance of close ups on the old man accompanied by very suspenseful music. The guys go back to the pod to get some supplies and the pod is apparently still suspended in mid sea and defying the laws of physics by not continuing to sink. While they are gone there is some unnecessary drama between the girls. Dale’s jealous because Craig loves Laurie and therefore Craig and Laurie are kind of happy to be living together in the cave for the rest f their lives because they at least have each other. The old man feels sorry for Dale so he suggests that the two of them should kill the other three. She doesn’t really want to so then the old man decides that he should probably kill her. However, before he can, an underwater volcano erupts which causes a bunch of rocks to fall on the old man. Meanwhile, the brother of the scientist who messed up the first pod experiment discovered what went wrong so he proceeds to construct a new sea pod (in a matter of minutes apparently) and then go to the exact same location and attempt the very same task—this time sending his brother (the one who failed) down in the pod. Coincidently, Craig and that other dude are still swimming around in the water when the second pod comes down in the exact same spot. One of them happens to run out of air at that exact moment and the other one pulls him into the second pod. Inside the pod, the conscious man and the scientist decided to give the passed out guy coffee instead of mouth-to-mouth, and it works! Yes! Then Craig goes back to the cave where the girls are trapped by the crumbling walls (the volcano is still erupting I guess). Craig enters the cave and a rock falls on him and he suspensefully passes out for about two seconds. Then the girls see him and lightly tap his shoulder and he gains consciousness. Then they all go back to the pod and then to the surface and there is a small celebration and a few cheesy jokes.

Score: 2

50 Movie Pack: SciFi Classics!!!

So, I got a lot of free time on my hands since I'm not taking any classes right now and I don't have a job. It'd be a shame to waste all this time in some petty manner so I decided that I better do something good for the community, but i wasn't quite sure what. Then one fateful day I was at my uncle's house and I stumbled across this DVD box set of 50 terrible SciFi movies and I thought to myself "what kind of idiot would waste his time watching all those terrible movies?" Yet at the same time I felt sad . . . it seems that people today are so caught up in unimportant affairs like politics, working, or spending time with their families that they completely neglect to pay proper respect to the works of art which essentially laid the foundation for our whole society--I'm talking about SciFi flicks, really old ones. At that moment I knew what I had to do with my time. It was time for me to step up and take on the responsibility of my heedless society and watch all 50 of these god-awful films. Just so everyone is able to reap the benefits of my sacrifice, I'll write a brief summary of each of these films as I struggle my way through them. Should anyone chose to follow my courageous example and watch some of these things, I'll also give the films a score ranging 1 through 5.

The scoring corresponds to the following:

1 = terrible movie, almost impossible to watch in entirety, had to force myself to watch it, almost annoyed that I wasted my time watching it

2 = pretty bad, it's possible to watch once without having to exert my attention too much, I'll probably never watch it again

3 = it held my attention, I didn't have too hard of a time watching it once, probably won't watch it again

4 = decent movie, has enough redeeming qualities to make me think it might be worth watching again

5 = entertaining movie (although entertaining doesn't necessarily mean good), will probably watch it again at some point and would recommend that you watch it too!

I notice that each pf these films has a short description on their DVD sleeves. However, I don't plan on reading the descriptions until after I view them because I'm assuming the descriptions will only deter me from watching them in the first place. I might reference these descriptions in my summary's though because I have a feeling that several of them won't accurately represent the films they supposedly describe. We'll see. Also, I plan on viewing these films in the order they're arranged in the box set. Maybe there's some logic to the order (though I highly doubt it). All assign a number to each film I watch in the order I view them. (for example, the first film I watch is umber 1 . . .)

May the force be with you!